Choosing A Spouse (Who The Brother Chooses)


Choosing A Spouse (Who The Brother Chooses)

This my dear brothers and sisters is the most integral part of marriage. The brother has to choose a sister and the sister has to choose a brother. So what happens usually?

The brother sees a sister on the street and says “Wooooooow”. And trust me that is not because of her piety but rather her measurements . Then he proceeds to speak to the sister under the pretense that he is giving da’wah. When in reality he has a certain motive. Unfortunately, when the sister is giving him problems he wonders why.

And the sister sees someone Kaafir or otherwise and ‘falls in love’. Rather it should be called falling in lust. And then under the pretense of giving da’wah she proceeds to make him take a Shahadah in order to marry her. But what happens after that? Problems after problems. And again she wonders why.

What is the guidance of Allah and his Messenger in terms of this matter?

Allah has said: And marry the righteous men and women amongst you.

This is general. And it shows that the priority is righteousness.

The Prophet (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Look for the one with the religion, or may Allah fill your hands with dust”.

This is from the Hadeeth: Women are married for four things. Her wealth, her beauty, her status and her religion. And what was the advice of the Messenger (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam)?

Did he say look for a supermodel with good measurements? Nope. And brother if that is all you are looking for may your hands be filled with dust.

Did he say look for a sister who is rich? Or a sister who has a big family?

No he didn’t . He said to look for the one with the religion. As for the one who doesn’t make the religion his priority then he would be setting himself up for disaster. Why is that?

This is because the pious women have certain characteristics:

1) They fear Allah ta’ala in secret and in the open. Hence they would wear proper Hijaab outside, they would not go outside the house often, they would not flirt with men or enter them into her husband’s house. Most importantly they would not speak about your business but rather that would remain within the house.

2) They would be more willing to give their husband’s his rights. Mainly that of being obedient to him.

3) They would have more knowledge than the one who is not pious and therefore have the ability to teach her husband and children .

4) Because of her good manners she would treat her husband better and try her utmost best to please him in any way she could .

5) When they advise they would advise with gentleness and choose a wise way of advising her husband .

This is why the Messenger of Allah (Salallahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Verily this Dunya is a Mataa’ and the best of Mataa’ is a righteous wife” .

I mean on the real my brother. Would you like a sister that when you come home she has a nice home cooked meal for you, is well dressed, wearing the best perfume, treating you like a king as soon as you reach home, using her charms only for you and educating your children upon proper manners?

Or do you want a sister who always complaining and speaking about other people’s business? And then asking questions in the Masjid wasting my precious time and revealing your business to others? Do you want a sister that flirts with other men? And whenever others see her they say: “Akhii your wife is very beautiful”.

I think all sensible brothers would choose the first option.

And this is why the noble Shaikhah Umm Salamah As Salafeeyah was saying that many of those who call themselves Salafi drool over the woman who is pretty and they leave the sisters amongst the students of knowledge.

I call these brothers stupid brothers. Why? Because the novelty and infatuation doesn’t last forever. At the end of the day what remains is the religion and good character. With the religion one can be sure that she would be doing what is obligatory upon her and with good character she would always win the love of her husband even when the infatuation, which all agree is a short stage, goes away.

And Allah knows best.

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One Response to “Choosing A Spouse (Who The Brother Chooses)”

  1. Bint Yousef Says:

    Jazak Allaahu khayr for your advice. I would just like to add a few points if you don’t mind in shaa Allaah.

    For brothers who seeks to get married: please ask yourselves before you go and propose to a sister, am I actually ready for this? Are you ready to take care of another person (and eventually children) and not always (hardly ever) putting yourself first? Are you ready mentally – to share another persons problems and worries? Are you ready to assume the responsibility it takes, to take on the leader role it requires of you?

    And for the divorces brothers that seeks to get married: have you really gotten over your ex-wife? Or do you see marriage as a way to get over you ex? Have you ”found yourself” (I know it’s sounds really cliché). But it is really important to get to know yourself, especially after a break-up. Because when you were married you and your spouse grew into each other and became as one.

    I am only saying this out of my concern for both my brothers and sisters in Islaam. Believe me, you do not want to put another person in a difficult position just because you were too immature to realise that you weren’t ready! Think things through.

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