Advice To Musilmahs Regarding Their Husbands, Part 7


She Should Not Mistreat Or Annoy Him:

If she does so, then Al-Hoor Al-‘Ayn curse her from above (Jannah).

Proof:

Mu’aadh Ibn Jabal narrated that the Prophet (saw) said:

“No woman annoys her husband but his wife among Al-Hoor Al-‘Ayn says, ‘Do not annoy him! May Allah destroy you (Literally ‘Kill you’)! For he is just a temporary guest with you and soon he wil leave you and join (come to) us‘.”

[Ahmad 5/242. Al-Tirmidhee 1174. Ibn Maajah 2014]

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12 Responses to “Advice To Musilmahs Regarding Their Husbands, Part 7”

  1. Assalamu Aleikum
    I have heard that this is a weak hadith, is this true?
    JazakAllah Khairan

  2. jannah.....thousands miles away!! Says:

    Assalamualaikum !

    I try and read as many posts I can from this site. I appreciate that you work hard on your blog for the sake of Allah. I have a question regarding a sister’s situation. Please suggest what to do in that situation.

    A sister is married, months have passed after her marriage. She was in love with a pious brother before marriage and…… still she IS in love with him ‘in her mind’ ! She can’t forget him, everything around her reminds her of him ! She is so much into him that sometimes she desires him instead of her husband! Thats probably because she cannot relate to her husband that much, they are very different and there is a huge age gap between them. To the contrary , that brother was of her age and of same mentality. Both of them were not only lovers but also very good friends! He was very possesive, protective of her but her husband isn’t! That brother used to be very romantic but her husband isn’t……. but that DOESN’T mean her husband isn’t good rather he is a very good brother as well but he isn’t of her type. Main point is she can’t forget that brother, so many times her tears fall without her knowing she is crying while thinking of him, she really loved him! Probably its true that ‘love happens once, rest is just LIFE ‘!!! Her husband told her once that if possible he would like to get her in jannah instead of hoor-al-ayn but in her mind she only wants that pious brother in eternal life or wants her husband to be just like him – in mind, body everything! She is still SO possesive about that pious brother that it reminds me of the quote, ” When you see her jealous, that means she loves you more than you imagine. ”, so true! She really wanted him to be happy, cheerful in his life but she couldn’t make him happy! She believes him so much still that now wherever she can, she learns from him! Whatever he teaches, she tries to learn as much as she can as a hungry student.

    Anyways, she wants to appologise to the pious brother now that she was very rude with him when they last contacted. She cries for hurting him, to be there in his life in past and ruining his life! She can reach him BUT she doesn’t want to act like a pervert and specially when there is such strong feeling for that person that she fears if they were near she could attempt zina!!! However, she doesn’t want to be a traitor rather to be faithful to her husband in all ways. She also told me that she remembers how her lover advised her last time that her husband is her jannah or jahannam, so she should take care of him! She also doesn’t want to contact him because now he is also married and if he is happy, she doesn’t want to ruin his life for 2nd time! She is dying to tell him that she loves him very much and those time with him was most precious and youthful in her entire life but she doesn’t want to cross her limits which is bound by Islam. Most importantly she wants to tell him that she regrets being so hard and rude with him when she knew he loved her truly, he really tried his best to get her in his life but he couldn’t which is qadr of Allah. So, would you say she should contact that pious brother or just keep praying for him regulerly as she does? Please answer.

    • Assalaamu ‘alaykum,

      Ok Im assuming your a friend of this sister in trouble. So I say:

      1) Any brother who is speaking to a sister in a haraam way can not be considered as practising.

      2) You only know of the true nature of a person when you live with them. I’m sure there would be many negative things in this brother (who she still loves) which she does not know of, but would only have come to know of if she got married to him.

      3) The Prophet (saw) said that if man sees something in another woman (who is not his wife) which pleases/excites him, then he should go home to his wife, and fulfil his desire with his wife, as she also has the same thing which he saw. So we say the same thing to this married sister.

      4) She said she still learns form him, so I’m assuming he’s a shaykh who appears on tv or a student of knowledge at her local masjid, if so, I advice this sister not to listen to his lectures until her emotions/feeling for him calm down.

      5) Since she is married to another brother, I advice her to write down all the things which she didn’t like about her lover. Love makes you blind, no doubt, but she needs to shake off her love and emotions for a second and think logically and jot down things which she didn’t like about him. Furthermore, as stated above, there are many negative characteristics which you only know of when you are living with a person. There are many negative thing you could write down about a person which you could only have come to know if you married the person.

      6) Going hand in hand with the above, she should think deeply about her husband and all the good qualities in him.

      7) Marital relations is a spiritual bond which increases the love between spouses. Keep it regular and active. If however there are ‘activities’ linked to marital relations which, when done, remind her of him, she should try and dodge those things.

      8) She says there are things which remind her of him. Here, I advice her to get rid of all these things. Whether its a jug, wallpaper color, favourite top. Whatever it is, she needs to get rid of it.

      9) She needs to preoccupy her mind away from this brother. She needs to involve herself in activities which preoccupy her mind. Learning Arabic is a great way to distract the mond away form its normal thoughts, as learning a new language requires a lot of concentration. If the mind of fully concentrated on one thing, only a small portion is left to ponder on something else. When reading a normal book for example, ones mind can still ponder easily, so I advice her to read book on topics which require thought and revision (like learning arabic, or tajweed, or in depth ‘aqeedah, in depth fiqh, or books on usool). Such books require the reader to ponder over what they’re reading. And once read require revision. She needs to involve herself in such activities that preoccupy the mind and require her full concentration.

      Though don’t know how much this will help as it really depends on how much love she has for him.

      10) Love, as Ibn Taymiyyah mentions, is a desease. A heart which has its full concentration on the aakhirah is effected in a lesser extent than a heart that does not have the full concentratrion on the aakhirah. There is one thing as ‘believing’ in the next life, but only a minority have that full conviction that they will be questioned and punished in their graves, a place of lonelyness and terror. Only a few actually are fully convonced and have that ful conviction of the heart that one day they will rise up from their graves could easily be punished in Hell. The more a persons heart os attached to the aakhirah, the less it is effected. Not saying those who have their hearts attached to the aakhirah are not effected, they are, but just to a lesser degree and they are the ones who can “move on” more easier. So this sister needs to keep the aakhirah in her mind. Read books and listen to lectures on death and the hereafter.

      11) Know that this life is a test for the hereafter. The man should not contact this sister, and a note to the bro she loves (if he’s reading this) is to not get in touch with her. She’s married and has another man take her in her arms. An innocent man like her husband needs no fitnah in his life. This sister and the bro she was in love with, are tested and no doubt it is a huge test.

      12) Know, as Allaah says, that you could love a thing which is bad for you and hate a thing which is good for you, Allaah knows and you know not. This life is short, there is no need to shed tears over something which is going to one day come to dust.

      May Allaah reward this sister for her patience. But she needs to remember that she is married now, and life must go on.

      Pondering over the past (of her hurting him etc.) will only bring sadness to her, so she needs to forget the past and move on.

      Thats all that can come to mind at this current moment. I hope it is a satisfactory answer.

      • Abid Ashfaq Says:

        wow mashalah nice reply.

        brother are you married?

      • jannah.....thousands miles away!! Says:

        JajakAllah for your reply brother . It was very kind of you to patiently write such a nice, beneficial reply but I would like to clear up some points that you have mentioned.

        1. Well, brother I don’t really think we should judge people by their any activity in isolation like once shaykh AbuAbdissalam mentioned that shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen (most probably) said that we should not call someone ‘practising’ (in arabic ‘mu’tazim’ or something). Its not binary like if someone wears the hijab or has beard will be a practising person, otherwise not; rather this person’s many other qualities also counts. For example, if any brother has beard but doesn’t listen to his mother we will call him ‘practising’ , because he keeps the ‘beard’ and even though he is doing more sin by not listening to his mother ! On the other hand , a brother may not keep the beard but he may obeys his mother which is more rewarding and more important in Islam than keeping beard (not trying to say keeping beard isn’t wajib though).

        So, we can’t actually judge the brother negatively and say he is not ‘practising/pious’ only because he spoke to the sister but we also have to know the brother in question more closely in order to judge him! The sister who I am asking the question on behalf of has told me many things about him which are really great like the way he is patient in his sophisticated life, the way he is so soft at heart and brave, so devoted in his ibadah, the way he used to think that he would want to keep his wife like a princess, the way he strived to marry her & live in a halal way etc ! So, in short he was a sincere brother with mannnny nice qualities which many brothers in todays age don’t possess normally and thats why he may be considered a more pious person than us in Allah’s sight……. who knows???

        2. Well, this beneficial piece of advice I also gave to her before but she said that she knew him for years and he didn’t open up more to anybody in this world than her. She knows him inside out she said. Anyways, thanks for your advice.

        3. Its not like she gets to see this brother often rather she didn’t meet him that much in person but many things that brother had which her husband doesn’t have makes her want that brother……. youthfulness, personality and energy are some of them! As I told you, they were not only lovers but great, loyal friends as well.

        4. He isn’t a shaykh but student of knowledge who tries to spread the deen and educate the ummah more about Islam. So, as I told you she doesn’t get to see him but she follows his works and as she considers him ‘very reliable’ she trusts his teachings.

        5. That was a good idea to help her ‘hate’ him BUT whatever ‘tiny,little’ bad things she can think about him have very solid reasons behind them to make him like that ! So, she blames those reasons, NOT him!!!

        6. She never denied good qualities in her husband and even if he was bad, she wouldn’t betray him but she doesn’t have the control over her heart and for not liking her husband that much I’ll also blame things which has gone wrong with her after marriage even though inshAllah they are temporary.

        8. Actually they wanted to start a family together and the relationship lasted for long……. so, almost everything reminds her of him subhanAllah ! Very tragic indeed!

        9. How much will learning ‘arabic’ help I don’t know and she knows bit tajweed but I’ll tell her. Thanks.

        12. Well, you will be surprised to know she doesn’t only cry because she didn’t get the brother in this world rather she cries more because she won’t have him in eternal life AS WELL !!!! This IS her bigger regret! In the hereafter, she wants no one but him and she doesn’t have any way to have him in Jannah as both are married and their marriage is just impossible now! As I said its very tragic indeed.

        JazakAllah for your answer. I really appreciate it. May Allah help the author of this blog in every step of his life for finding time to answer my long question! Ameen.

        • 1) I was coming from the angle that even though this brother had knowledge, this knowledge did not benefit him in the least. If he knew freemixing was haraam, he should have abstained. But khair…

          3) This sister needs to try and forget him. Its going to be hard (I guess) but life is way too short to be worried over.

          4) Islamically speaking, a person with knowledge who does not act upon his knowledge is considered evil. What differentiates this person from the Jews? The Jews had knowledge (that Muhammad was the final Messenger) yet they went contrary to their knowledge.

          6) She needs to keep her feelings in herself. I’m assuming her husband is totally innocent in this, if this is the case, she needs to keep her emotions within herself. Though maybe it would be good for this sister to speak to other knowledgable sisters and share her thoughts with them. If possible, maybe to go online or somewhere and find a place where she can get some help from other knowledgeable sisters.

          9) I mentioned Arabic because while learning arabic, your minds full concentratrion is needed. Plus when you’ve finished your lesson, you still need to revise your new vocabulary. hence learning Arabic is a good way to preoccupy the mind away form other thoughts.

          12) In Jannah one will have whatever one wishes. There is no misery or sadness or regret in jannah. jannah is a place of total peace and comfort. No one will be greedy or jealous or miss want anything which they can’t get. Jannaj is jannah.

          There will be no regret in jannah.

          • jannah.....thousands miles away!!! Says:

            Thank you so much for the kindness you have shown. Please remember her in your pious duas.

            May Allah help you much more than you help others! Ameen.

            • The sister needs to remember that the Messenger of Allaah said:

              “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, not hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslims, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allaah expiates some of his sins for that.”

              [Bukhaaree – From Abu Hurayrah]

  3. what if a sister has some mental problems and she is sometimes bad towards her husband like says or does things that might hurt him because she is mentally ill in a way do the hoors curse her too?

    • Assalaamu ‘alaykum,

      Sorry for the late reply, but if she is mentally ill, she’s not responsible for her deeds and will not be judged if she misbehaves with her husband, thus the hoor will not curse her.

      But note, this is where this a real mental problem, where the doctors have approved of the fact that she DOES have mental problems.

  4. Thanks alot may Allaah bless you
    and always have mercy on you
    and give you easy way to firdows and meeting with the Prophet Muhammad
    peace be upon him

    ameen

    wa laikum as salam

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