Concise Advice To Husbands
[A short reminder to brothers inshaaAllaah. I tried to keep it short and to the point. This is just my advice from what I’ve read over the years on good treatment of women]
Written By TheAuthenticBase
1) Be Her Comforter
Know that a woman cries when she has no words to explain how she feels. Husbands, this is the time when she needs a hug (a non-sexual hug). A soft hug, wiping away her tears with your hands, and a little kiss on the forehead will help her a lot.
2) Be A Good Listener
Women need a man who can be her shoulder to lean on. Simply listen to her while she stumbles over her words while explaining her worries without necessarily providing instant solutions.
Sometimes they just need to tell you something without actually getting an instant solution. Be a good listener and learn to show an interest in what she’s saying (read #12 for more info on this).
The last thing you want is for her to be speaking to you while your mind is elsewhere, and then to have her ask you whether you’re paying attention to her or not. This will hurt her as she will think you do not pay any interest in her. A woman wants her husband to be her best friend who she can speak to (read #5 for more info on this).
3) Never Walk Out Of An Argument
If the two of you argue, then never walk out of an argument leaving her crying, as this shows you have no concern for her feelings. Instead, be by her side, show her you care for her by taking her feeling into consideration (this is done by apologizing, not storming out of the house, and not behaving in a way that shows you do not care for her views or what she has to say). Acknowledge your mistake, and this will make it easy for her to acknowledge her mistake. A real man is he who can humble himself when he is angry.
Even if she was the root of the problem, still apologize for your error, even though you believe it was a triggered by her actions. If you do this, she will see how much you really care for her and how much you wish to rectify the problem. The more you love someone the more quicker you are to rush to apologizing and fixing the matter.
Women always give up their rights to keep the marriage intact, now it’s your turn. Show her how much the marriage means to you.
4) Respect Her Opinions
Respect her opinions when she advises you and learn to shower her with affection, as this will bring out the best in her. Ask her what she thinks of such and such decision you’re going to make, especially if it affects her as well.
As the man of the house, yes you make the final decision, but it doesn’t mean you don’t consult your wife in the decision making process. And don’t laugh or mock her opinions as this will kill her self-confidence. Moreover, it shows you have no consideration for her feelings, and women don’t like that. Hurting her emotionally is a killer. Women have soft hearts, so pay heed and learn to only say good and nice things.
5) Be Her Best Friend
A woman not only wants a man who is her husband, but she also wants you as her best friend. Someone she can share her secrets with. Someone who is by her side through the ups and downs of life. Show her she is close to you by sharing your joy with her; telling her of your secrets, your happy days, your sad days.
Do not be overly strict with her, and learn to have a sense of humor. Don’t be a boring husband; joke with her, tease her, play with her, but don’t overdo it such that she cannot even have a serious conversation with you when required.
And a part of being her best friend is to not choose your other friends over her. This nicely leads me to point 6.
6) Don’t Choose Your Friends Over Her
Try not to spend more time with your friends as compared to the time you spend with her. Even the time you do spend with her, make sure its quality time. Don’t look at the quantity (although this is also important) but also look at the quality of the time you spend with her. Do things together with her, go for a walk in the park together. Don’t have all your fun time with your friends, and then come home tired and thus ignore her for the rest of the day because you’re “tired”.
If something interesting happened to you during your day, first speak to her about it. Don’t let her feel as if you love your friends more than you love her. And a woman judges the level of love by how much quality time you spend with her and who you go to when you want to talk about something.
If something happened to you during the day, tell her. Share your experience with her, share you day with her, share your life with her. Don’t be a boring husband who doesn’t tell her how your day went. You’re her husband and she wants to bond with you, and one crucial way to do this is to have that emotional bond with her. If something interesting happened to you, then share it with her.
The last thing you want is for her to think you share all your jokes and day experiences with your friends and not with her. The last thing you want is for her to hear you speaking on the phone to your friend about a funny incident that happened during the day, and then when she asks you what happened, you ignore her and say “nothing”, treating her as a fly.
7) You’re Not Married To Your Computer
Linked to #6, I say, don’t be stuck on your laptop/phone all the time, especially when you’re with her. No doubt she will have patience with you, but a time will come when the bubble will burst. Don’t make her crave for your attention by spending hours chatting on the phone or on the computer. And even when that bubble does burst you have no right to say that at least you’re at home unlike other husbands. Yes, this does have an element of truth to it, but what companionship is there between the two of you if you are always online? If you have some important work to do on the computer, don’t rush to it as soon as you come back home from work. Spend some time with her before you go online. And during your time with her, don’t act and behave as if you’re in a rush to go online. We men cannot do two things at once, and the last thing you want is for her to speak to you and for you to respond with words which show you were obviously not listening. As I will mention in point #12, women need someone to talk to and you need to be a good listener.
How would you like I if she spends hours watching TV or on the phone or in the kitchen? It would upset you, so know it also upsets her when you choose the computer or phone over her.
Although at times, you may be required to sit on the computer for long hours due to heavy work, this is understandable, but let her know that it concerns you that you cannot spend quality time with her due to this, so at least now she knows you love her more than your computer.
8) Have Patience With Her During Her Mood Swings
During her monthly periods, your wife may act or behave in an abnormal way, swaying from emotion to emotion. She may be happy now and suddenly turn sad or angry with you the next. She may even accuse you of something you’re innocent of. She may even blow minor things out of proportion making them into major issues.
So have patience with her during her periods and realise she is not her normal self. Put up with her irrational behaviour and realize that trying to straighten a bent rib will only break it.
If you can put up with her during these mood swings she will see that in you and love you more (inshaaAllaah!).
9) Spice Up The Romance
Women desire romance. Many women complain of a boring husband who lacks giving her romance. Although she is a practising Muslimah, she is still a woman; and every woman desires a bit of romance to spice up her marriage. A simple flower can do a lot. Bring a flower home from work and when you enter the door, go down on one knee and give her the rose. Embarrassing? Don’t worry no one’s watching you. Or hide it under the sofa, and after dinner surprise her with the gift. Women like that surprised element as it adds a touch of excitement to it.
Decorate your bedroom with a vase and some tulips. Purchase some scented candles. Have a frame of a rose hung up. Buy a new set of bed sheets and duvet cover and both of you (together) decide on a new set, but let her choose the one she likes. Even if its pink and red decorated with flowers, purchase it. Mind you, the more she likes the bed, the longer she’ll like to stay in bed with you!
Purchasing all these small things may seem odd or silly to some brothers, but every woman loves romance. The color of the wallpaper, the design on the curtains, let it be her choice.
Even sending her a text message from work telling her you love her, or buying a love heart candle (if such a thing exist) can do wonders.
By being romantic with her, teasing her, flirting with her etc. you will bring out the best in her. If you complain that your wife is boring, lacks excitement, isn’t as cheeky and sweet as you expect, then know that her character is shaped by the way you treat her.
Be romantic with her before you be intimate with her, don’t just pounce on her without foreplay. Dress up and look good before you be intimate with her. But more of this under #14, 15 & 16.
If you come to know that she watches romantic / love movies, or reads love stories, then blame no one but yourself for not providing her with the romance she wants.
10) Buy Her Gifts & Don’t Put A Price On Her Happiness
With romance comes gifts. By purchasing your wife a gift, you’re showing her you were thinking of her during the day. It doesn’t have to be something huge, even a small gift will brighten up her day. Whether its flowers, chocolate box, candles, or any other lovely romantic gift you can buy from card shops. With women, it’s the thought that counts, so purchase her a gift every once in a while.
As explained above in point #9, try hiding it somewhere, and on your way to work text/ring her and ask her to look in such and such place. You could even play a little game where you have two or three sticky notes, each one pointing to the other until she finally goes to the gift. Though this would require some thorough thought for a few days, but inshaaAllaah the outcome will be wonderful! And no doubt when you come home you’ll have a huge meal and an enjoyable time in bed!
11) Hugs And Kisses
Apparently women like those cosy hugs. Give her plenty of hugs, and not just when you want to be intimate with her. She needs that non-sexual hug, and it could help her to ease her tension. Although your sexual urge is high, it is not as high as hers. Sometimes she just wants a hug, so know this well.
Just as intimacy is a way for a man to get his mind stress free, likewise a soft hug can be a way for a wife to get the headache and tension off of her. It shows her she has a man by her side, someone who is there for her someone who cares for her.
12) Women Need Someone To Talk To
Women are more emotional than men. During your 9-5 working day she’s been locked within the home surrounded by four walls. Something may have happened to her during the day which she is excited to tell you about. So when she is talking to you about her day, show a genuine interest in what she says.
Women need someone to talk to, someone to ask them how their day went. Understand her emotional needs. Either you ask her how her day went and spend quality time with her, or she speaks to someone else about it. What would you like?
Sometimes she may speak about the most minor thing like how someone pushed in front of her in the queue, or how someone never replied to her salam in the masjid.
Realize that she hasn’t spoken to anyone and the fact that she’s sharing this with you means she loves you. She’s probably been waiting all day for you to come home to tell you this, so show an interest. Smile as she speaks, don’t change the subject so quickly, don’t cut her off half way through her speaking, and maybe even bring it up again after an hour or so. All this shows you took a genuine interest in what she had to say.
Remember, women are more emotional than men. If you want her to love you, then realize her emotional needs.
13) Do The Household Chores
Know that when the Prophet (saw) was at home he was at the service of his family. Washing the dishes, doing the hoover, putting the clothes on the washing line outside, cleaning the table after a meal, looking after the kids… all these things, although ‘minor’ chores, will be well appreciated by your wife. See #18 for more info.
Do not think you will be lowered in her sight, or that she will show you less respect if she sees you doing the dishes or any other household chore. No doubt, you helping your wife with her chores will only increase the love and respect she has for you.
And this should be more so implemented when your wife is unwell.
14) Dress Up For Your Wife
Know that it is from good manners to dress up for your wife. Ibn Abbaas said: “I love to beautify myself for the wife in the same way that I love for her to beautify herself for me because Allaah said, ‘And they have rights similar to those over them according to what is reasonable.’ [2:228].”
It is a shame how some brothers desire their wives to be in perfect shape and to always look good yet show no concern to their wife’s physical desires.
If your wife sees that you are taking care to look after yourself and look appealing to her, the this will naturally make her do the same. Is it logical that you wish your wife to be slim and in shape while you are out of shape and unhealthy?
You desire to be intimate with your wife and expect her to always be ready for you, yet no woman would like to be intimate with a man who has his hair unkempt, smelling like fish, and dressed as if he just came back from the battlefield! Dress up for your wife and make her be attracted to you physically and emotionally.
Why is it that when you go out to work or to visit a friend, you make sure you look good and presentable, yet when you’re at home, you take none of this into consideration?
15) Women Also Have Sexual Desires
Realize that women also have sexual desires. Although their main desire is emotional, they also have that sexual urge. Don’t ignore this as it could cause her harm. She is not immoral if she asks you for intimacy.
Likewise, do not leave her once you have finished your desire with her. Let her finish as well. Just as you would not like her to leave you during the act, don’t leave her.
Also, during intimacy she may like a specific way or a specific approach. Take this into consideration. Allow her to investigate and explore other methods, and don’t force your way upon her all the time. If she asks for intimacy, allow her to approach you and enjoy you in the manner she likes. Even if her way is not as enjoyable to you, do not speak against it showing your dislike for it. Leave her be and let her enjoy it the way she likes.
Intimacy is not just about you fulfilling your desire, it’s also about her.
Also, don’t force anything upon her which she is not comfortable with. She is a fragile vessel so treat her with kindness and softness even in these delicate areas/topics.
And lastly, don’t pounce on her like a bull. Know how to create that romantic atmosphere. Don’t just pounce on her and fulfil your desire in an impatient way without first arousing her desire as well. Send the messenger, and the messenger is a kiss. Get her excited for it as well before the act. One way this is done by being romantic with her (see #9 for more info on this point). A gentle stroke, sweet words, a kiss, a soft cuddle etc.
Remember that women are emotional beings, so arouse her desire by sweet and affectionate words. By getting her in the mood for intimacy, not only will she will enjoy it more but so will you.
If you realise that your wife is slow to respond to your call to bed then wonder why. Do you arouse her before intimacy? Do you make her love for it and crave it? If not, then blame yourself for making your wife slow to respond to your call.
When a woman is excited and aroused for intimacy, then fluids seep through her vaginal walls producing lubrication making a smoother passageway. Likewise the upper two-thirds of the vagina expands in a “ballooning” response in which the cervix and the uterus pull up, preparing to accommodate the males circumcised organ during sexual intercourse.
In short, by being romantic with her, teasing her, flirting with her, then you get her excited through which her body goes through slight changes (as said in the above paragraph) which make intercourse more pleasurable for both, the wife and the husband.
16) Don’t Be Cruel During Intimacy
Linked to the above, many men make the mistake of being cruel with their wives on the first night. Just because it is not forbidden to be intimate on the first night, it does not mean you force yourself upon her. Anger generates within her and she could have some hatred for you due to this forced act.
Yes, there may be some who would enjoy it and desire it on the first night, but I am referring to those who force their wives to be intimate and do not use a soft approach during the act. If she is not comfortable with it, leave it. Never force her to do anything she does not wish to, as this may cause her to have some hatred towards you.
Breaking a woman’s virginity can be very painful, so be gentle. If she is not in the mood for intimacy on the first night, then ignore it. You’ve been patient for all the years you were single so a few more patience will not kill you. If you sense she is not ready on the first night then there is no need to force your way in, instead just shower her with kisses and as time goes on, she will be ready.
Although she is your wife, remember that she is also someone’s daughter / sister. She grew up in a house and has now moved far from her parents love to live with you in a strange house. Be soft with her. And for the third time, never make her do something she does not wish to.
17) Complement Your Wife
Never forget to compliment you wife. Women love compliments. Try to keep them real and don’t overdo them as this could kill it. Praise her in front of her family members. Acknowledge all she does for you and enjoy her as she’s your halaal avenue.
If she buys a new dress or lingerie, tell her she looks good in it. Women love to look pretty and sexy. It’s in their nature. But don’t just say she looks good, but let it be known to her that her beauty turns you on and gets you excited.
Women love to get their husband’s sexually excited and it makes then know that they are pretty and beautiful. If she knows her husband is sexually attracted to her, it makes her feel relaxed, it eases her mind, it makes her feel good on the inside. Indeed she will feel as if she is on cloud nine.
Likewise, when you visit her parent’s house, praise her good character in front of her mother and father, expressing your happiness with her, and inshaaAllaah this will bring joy to her heart.
18) Appreciate All She Does
Appreciate all your wife does for you. While you’re out the house working, she’s in the house cleaning and looking after your kids, making sure the house is spotless. She is a blessing and don’t be like those who only realize a blessing once it is taken away from them.
Believe it or not, a woman works tirelessly around the house, so appreciate her work and once in a while give her a break. Whether this is done by you doing the housework or by taking her out for a meal. Being a wife, mother, home-maker isn’t easy. See #13 for more info.
Imagine coming home only to see the dishes all piled up, no clean plate for your meal, no clean cup for a drink; imagine waking up and having no clean shirt for work, or a shirt not ironed; imagine the clothes being left on the washing line outside in the rain, the sticky stains of orange juice still on the kitchen table. The list can go on. Women work hard around the house, and sadly this is usually not taken into consideration by many husbands.
So appreciate all she does for you. Even a simple kiss on the forehead and a thank you will have her smiling, knowing that you value all she does for you.
19) Expect And Respect Her Jealousy
If your wife is jealous over you, it means she loves you more than you can imagine. Just as you would expect her not to cross the limits of your gheerah (jealousy), then likewise do not overstep the limits of her jealousy.
Do not get angry at her if she tells you to change this or that habit, or if she tells you not to speak so softly while at the till to the female cashier. Respect her jealousy by doing what she says and don’t brush her feelings away.
Women dislike it when you expect them to stay within the limits of your boundaries, yet you do not do the same for her, especially if you end up arguing over things she does which to be honest are quit “minor” compared to her boundaries you cross.
20) Keep unnecessary Jealousy In Check
Although jealousy is a praiseworthy characteristic, there is a difference between jealousy and accusations. Never accuse your wife regarding her chastity, as it is a major sin to accuse a chaste Muslimah.
The fact is that there are many men out there who have no respect for other men’s gheerah. Sometimes a man may speak to her even though she is avoiding him, whether this be in the market, the bus or elsewhere. I am not saying that do not get jealous even in these scenarios (where you wife is trying her best to dodge guys), as jealousy is something we men cannot control, but you should realise the difference between your wife overstepping your boundary intentionally and when she is sinless and innocent.
Having jealousy over your wife is something which every Muslim man should possess and is a praiseworthy characteristic, but don’t end up slandering her. Would you accuse her of immorality while her father was present? If not, then know that Allaah is watching over you, and He deserves you fear Him more.
How heart breaking it would be for her, if she does everything you tell her, yet you still accuse her of immorality!
21) Her Random Tears
Sometimes you may see her crying for no reason. She may feel upset or shed a tear when you don’t expect it. Brothers, this is the time she really needs a man by her side. Ignoring her when she’s emotionally upset, will only make her feel lonely and feel less loved, nay it may even make her turn to others for support. So immediately leave off all you’re doing, give her your attention and ask her what the matter is, ask her how she is. If she says she’s fine, she probably means she’s not. When a woman cries and says she’s fine, it means she wants a hug and someone to tell her “I know you’re not”.
Women are very emotional, learn to see through her “outer shell” and try to understand her emotional drive. One of the biggest lies a woman can tell you is she’s fine. As a husband, you should be able to look at her face and know something is wrong.
22) Call Her Sweet Names
Don’t forget to call you wife sweet and loving names. As the saying goes, a man falls in love through his eyes and a woman falls in love through her ears.
By calling her sweet names, you’re indirectly letting her know you love her. And this needs to be constant. Just because you called her with a sweet name yesterday it does not mean that is enough for the rest of the month. So keep up with it, but too much such that it loses its effect.
Women like to hear nice and sweet words; word of affection and love. And a part of this is to call her with the sweetest of names. Those that are special to her. Honey, sweetheart, princess etc. And it is the most evil of characteristics to swear or use bad language with her. Fear Allaah with regards to how you treat her. O my brother, fear Allaah! Women are soft creatures, and they respond beautifully to soft speech. As mentioned time and time again, women are much more emotional than us men, so take this into consideration.
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[Btw will continue to add stuff on this article whenever something new comes to mind inshaaAllaah so keep an eye out for more tips – Last updated: 17/12/13 – 16:00]