Advice For Brothers Regarding Intimacy
“Women also have desires, emotional and physical. It is not immoral of her to ask for intimacy, it is only her innate nature.”
Introduction: Realize that women also have sexual desires. Although their main desire is emotional, they also have that sexual urge. Don’t ignore this as it could cause her harm. She is not immoral if she asks you for intimacy. Nor is she immoral if its continuous, it just means she has a strong urge for it, and this is the way she is. One of the purposes of marriage is to save ourselves from fitnah. And if you are not responding to her call, then this could cause her major problems. Indeed it could be that by you continuously refusing her call, not only would you damage her, but you could cause her to think of doing the haraam. So, due to the “boil up” of desire within her, she could start to think about haraam acts. If she has this huge build up of desire which has no halaal avenue, then, when a good looking guy walks past her on the streets or elsewhere, she may start to think of haraam things. And indeed the Shaytaan will use her sexual frustration and exploit it in any possible way. O husbands, realise that by you continuously refusing her call, you could damage her chastity. How sad that she dies of thirst while water was available to her! Just because the Angels do not curse you for not responding to her call to bed, it does not mean you can take the matter lightly. If you want her to respond to your call, then lead by example and respond to her call.
Also, If you expect her to give up what she is doing and come to you for intimacy, then know that her mind will not be on the act, and her sole intention is just to quickly get the act over and done with and then rush back to her chores, which will now take even longer due to her having to do ghusl. And this may cause stress to her, and you! So instead of this downhill slope which has many negative knock-on effects, take into consideration that she may be busy or not in the mood for intimacy.
I will give advice about intimacy in three phases; before intimacy, during intimacy and after intimacy.
Before Intimacy: Know that it is from good manners to dress up for your wife. Ibn Abbaas said: “I love to beautify myself for the wife in the same way that I love for her to beautify herself for me because Allaah said, ‘And they have rights similar to those over them according to what is reasonable.’ [2:228].” [Tafseer Ibn Katheer]
It is a shame how some brothers desire their wives to be in perfect shape and to always look good yet show no concern to their wife’s physical desires. If your wife sees that you are taking care to look after yourself and look appealing to her, then this will naturally make her do the same. Is it logical that you wish your wife to be slim and in shape while you are out of shape and unhealthy?
And is it logical that you wish for your wife to have the “ideal” body shape that you like while you ignore her request (hints) of muscular shoulders and muscular thighs? Realize that women too need to be turned on by your body. You may be fit and have a strong endurance, but you might have a marathon runner’s figure as appose to the sprinter that she adores.
You desire to be intimate with your wife and expect her to always be ready for you, yet you are never in good looking shape for her? No woman would like to be intimate with a man who has his hair unkempt, whose breath smells like fish, and who she never gets to see wearing decent, gentlemen’s clothes in the house besides his sluggish and lazy looking pyjama pant or izzar. Why is it that when you go out for work, or for an interview or even to spend time with the brothers, you dress well, apply attar and do what you can to look good, yet when you’re at home with your wife, you take none of this into consideration?! Dress up for your wife and make her be attracted to you both emotionally and physically. If you wish for your wife to be toned and in perfect shape then know that she also likes the same from you. Its a shame how some men cannot see the logic in this. Women also have sexual desires, and at times it could be stronger than one thinks. Dress well for her, comb your hair, and be physically attractive for her as you would expect her to be for you.
Dress like a gentleman, wear the clothes she would like to see you to wear (ask for her opinion when you shop),
comb your hair the way she likes it, keep your beard tidy, shave you hair in unwanted areas regularly, brush your teeth often and keep your breath fresh throughout the day especially when you plan on approaching her, be a charmer! No woman likes to be intimate with a man who has not made the effort to look good, especially with so much unwanted hair in areas which should be kept clean. How can you expect your wife to enjoy it when it is in an ugly/unhygienic state?
During Intimacy: During intimacy she may like a specific way or a specific approach. Take this into consideration. Allow her to investigate and explore other methods, and don’t force your way upon her all the time. If she asks for intimacy, allow her to approach you and enjoy you in the manner she likes. Even if her way is not as enjoyable to you, do not speak against it showing your dislike for it. Leave her be and let her enjoy it the way she likes. Let her be in the zone and allow her to enjoy it the way she likes. When she is enjoying it, rest assured you will be having a good time!
Intimacy is not just about you fulfilling your desire, it’s also about her.
Also, don’t force anything upon her which she is not comfortable with. She is a fragile vessel, so treat her with kindness and softness even in these delicate areas/topics. Men translate intimacy as sexual pleasure and women translate it as an emotional connection and sexual pleasure.
Do not shy away from reading about intimacy and ways to arouse her, there are plenty of books on the shelves that do not include haraam pictures. You can always ask your wife to scan through and get one for you. Of course, you would have to read and filter the information according to the Qur’an and Sunnah and not try out anything that is prohibited. Or even better, ask her! Ask her how she likes it and what approach she enjoys the most. Ask her what she enjoys and what arouses her, and use such charming methods when approaching her.
And lastly, don’t pounce on her like a bull. Find out ways to create that romantic atmosphere. Don’t just pounce on her and fulfil your desire in an impatient way without first arousing her desire. Send the messenger, and the messenger is a kiss. Get her excited for it as well before you do the specific act. One way this is done by being romantic with her. A gentle stroke, sweet words, a kiss, a soft cuddle, gently rubbing your nose against hers while holding her in your arms, or even brushing her hair to one side to give her a soft kiss on her neck. Use techniques to arouse her desires and get her in the mood. Remember that women are emotional beings, so arouse her desire by sweet and affectionate words. By getting her in the mood for intimacy, she will enjoy it much more but if you just pounce on her, this may break her.
After Intimacy: After intimacy, don’t leave straight away once you have finished (especially if she initiated the act), allow her to finish and fully let out her lust and desires. It would be great if you could hold it a little longer as women usually take more time to finish off. Just as you would not like her to leave you during the act, don’t leave her. Just because you have ejaculated and finished that does not mean she has finished. It is important that you practice holding it in at least until you know she is about to reach climax. There are a few methods which one can use, like concentrating on things unrelated to intimacy, such techniques help in preventing a quick ejaculation. Know that women also have sexual desires, and some women have a stronger sexual desire than others. She is not an object of desire who you go to just to fulfil your desires and whom you leave once you are done. She is a woman with feelings and desires just like you, so do not make her feel like a bowl you go to empty yourself in. It is important that you allow her to finish and be fully satisfied before leaving.
Gentleness Not Cruelty: Many men make the mistake of being cruel with their wives on the first night. Just because it is not forbidden to be intimate on the first night, it does not mean you force yourself upon her. Anger generates within her and she could have some hatred for you due to this forced act.
Yes, there may be some who would enjoy it and desire it on the first night, but I am referring to those who force their wives to be intimate and do not use a soft approach during the act. If she is not comfortable with it, leave it until she is. In the mean time, try to arouse her with sweet words, hinting with the eyes, or a cheeky smile and by making her feel desired. Sooner or later, she will be ready.
Never force her to do anything she does not wish to, as this may cause her to have some hatred towards you. Forcing a woman to be intimate with you can cause her much emotional damage. There will be times when she is not in the mood for intimacy, whether this be due to her health, being heavily pregnant, not in the mood or busy schedule. Although she has to respond to your call even when busy, realise that you forcing her is never good.
Another cruel act some men do is beating their wives during the day and having intimacy with them during the night. Even if some men may not do this, they do something very similar which is having intimacy with her while being angry with her, or just after an heated argument. Indeed having intimacy with her during such scenarios is similar to forcing her, as she may be scared to say no, and a woman being intimate with someone who she fears is a scary thing for any woman.
The best of you are those who are best to their wives, so fear Allaah as to how you treat her. Intimacy is a very sensitive area so be gentle with her and never force yourself on her nor cause her pain during the act. This pain could be emotional as well as physical. And no descriptions or details are needed to explain what a man does which causes her physical pain, its obvious. So be gentle with her. The most evil of characteristics is when a man combines between both; causing her emotional pain (forcing himself on her, especially during times of anger or after a heated debate) and causing her physical pain (not being gently while doing the act).
Although she is your wife, remember that she is someone’s daughter and someone’s sister. She grew up in a house and has now moved far from her parents love to live with you in a strange house. Be soft with her. And for the third time, never make her do something she does not wish to!