Advice For Sisters Regarding Intimacy
“Never underestimate what a simple stroke, a gentle rub, or a soft kiss can do.”
Introduction: Biologically, men and women are both created with a need to fulfil their sexual desires, but one needs to understand that there is a difference in the need for men and women.
In all wisdom, Allah created men with an urge much stronger than women. Men are very visual by nature. Depending on where he lives, a man may build a physiological need for sex, about every 72 hours on average and longer for men who live further away from fitnah. Unfortunately, in the world we live in today, we are constantly surrounded by temptation – there is not a day that goes by that you do not stumble upon something of a sexual nature which makes men vulnerable to the calling of women.
When a man constantly feels a strong need for release, it is very hard for him to focus on the other very important aspects of intimacy like sweet words and foreplay, which are needed for a woman to feel sexually desirable.
Men are not to be blamed for their being very sexual by nature. It is just how Allah, in pure wisdom, created them.
A look, a touch, a feminine figure, words can all cause a man to feel a strong urge to release himself. And just like women, a man wants to feel desired. If you show him that you do not enjoy it, he starts to think you don’t love him and this causes him a great deal of stress. Intimacy is an act that releases a lot of stress from the man. When a man is stressed out, the best way for him to feel relaxed and forget all that which is on his mind, is for him to be intimate.
Delaying coming to him may anger him and can turn a pleasurable act to be a very stressful experience. During intimacy a man is at his peak of excitement, any sign of lack of enjoyment by the wife can be very dissatisfying and can cause anger within the husband. This dissatisfaction and anger, however, can reach heights as it is anger which manifests itself at a time when one is trying his hardest to enjoy a pleasurable act. So a smart wife realises this and avoids all the things which turns pleasure into distress.
I have split the causes of anger into three phases; before intimacy, during intimacy and after intimacy.
Before Intimacy: The narrations below are a clear sign that a woman is obliged to respond to the man’s call for intimacy without slackness. And there is much wisdom in this. The Messenger of Allaah (saw) said: “When a man calls his wife to him, then let her respond, even if she is at the oven (baking bread).“ [Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi]
Delaying in responding to his call can cause the man stress. As stated above, being intimate is a means of expressing love and desire. Its a way of saying “I love you.” If the wife delays in responding, she is indirectly showing him that he is not so important and this also shows a lack of concern for his feelings. A man loves to give his wife pleasure through intimacy, and delaying coming to him is an indirect way of telling him he is not good at being intimate. At times he may not be so good at it, but delaying intimacy with him is not a solution to your problem. As a matter of fact, it makes it worse. Insulting a man about his ability to sexually satisfy his wife is from the biggest insults to his manhood.
To delay coming to him shows your lack of concern for him, and this causes much stress. Having intimacy with one’s wife if she responds quickly is at a far higher level of pleasure than having intimacy with her if she comes after some time. If you tell him you’re coming and he goes to the bedroom, then don’t let this seem like “the perfect opportunity” to go to the kitchen and quickly do a small chore like cut the potatoes or boil the water. Telling him your coming in a little while, in and of itself causes the man stress, and trying to enjoy being intimate with one’s wife after hearing such words kills the act. There is a great wisdom behind the words of the prophet (saw) “the angels will curse her until morning.” (1) for indeed the stress caused is enough to ruin a relationship, as what hurts more when your partner shows a lack of concern for you and your feelings?
The delay in responding to his requests is in fact a delay in releasing himself which makes him very vulnerable to the calling of women or haraam acts (Zina). And it is you, the wife, that may be the cause of him falling into the trap of shaytaan. And this is why the Prophet of Allah (saw) stressed the importance of women answering the call of their husbands immediately when he calls her and the reason for the curse of the Angels upon her as she may be the cause of her husband’s destruction by him being susceptible to major sins. The accessibility of porn and fornication is so easy, so don’t push him to it, by making his access to you so hard.
During Intimacy: When a man is being intimate with his wife, there is only one thing on his mind, and that is the
actual act of entering her. A man has his full concentration on the act and is now at the peak of his excitement. The most pleasurable act for a man is being intimate with his wife, and so he expects his wife is also at the peak of her excitement. There are a few things, however, which women do which can kill the whole act and can turn a pleasurable act into a stressful one, and there is nothing more stressful when a pleasurable act turns stressful!
Among the things is when she starts to mention things totally unrelated to intimacy, for example what to cook today or why he never done this or that yesterday, or something related to another person, whoever they may be. Another thing which makes this act turn horrible is when the wife shows a lack of enjoyment or she sees it as a chore. Yes Islaam has obligated the wife to respond to the man’s call, but showing him your only doing it because its compulsory, or because you have to do it, or even treating it as a chore as any other chore can kill the whole act. A man is at the peak of enjoyment, and nothing kills this enjoyment more than a woman who is not also enjoying it with him. Where is the enjoyment if your husband took you out on a nice walk in the park or a boat ride or sat with you to watch the sunset while only doing it because he felt obliged to, or while on his phone at the same time? During intimacy, is mind is on intimacy and enjoying the act, nothing else!
Likewise, a wife should know what method pleases him, and she should not wait for him to ask her to use such methods. A wise woman know what pleases her husband and if its specific clothing, is always ready, and if its specific intimate acts, is keen to do them. It will cause the man stress and annoyance if he always has to remind the wife on what to do, or what not to do. Know your husband, and know what pleases him. Never underestimate a simple stroke or another kiss.
After Intimacy: Among the causes of stress which can occur after intimacy is when the wife rushes back to her household chores. Rushing to go back to doing what you were previously doing shows that you never enjoyed the act and how your mind was elsewhere during the act of intimacy. This just kills the act. A man enjoys being intimate with his wife and any signs of non-enjoyment from the wife causes the man stress and anger. By you going back to what you were previously doing before he called you, is you indirectly telling him that intimacy was just another chore from the household chores. It shows him your mind was not on during the act and you was only concerned with what you was doing before. So instead of leaving him, only leave after he leaves.
A man looses energy after ejaculating, however once the man ejaculates it does not mean he has had enough. Yes he loses his energy, and yes he may stop the specific act, however do not see this as the deed done and finished. Only leave after he leaves. Instead of going back to what you were previously doing, use this time to shower him with kisses, and try to get another round out of him, as this shows him you also enjoyed the act.
There is nothing wrong with sweet talking him or talking about intimacy or any bodily parts. A man loves a woman who has a pinch of naughtiness in her, and the right dose can do wonders in exciting the man. Do not be “boring” who just gives her body to her husband, but also be a part of the act as well. And again, once he has ejaculated and is out of energy, use this time to pamper him with kisses, and try to get another round out of him. Just because his energy level has dropped, it does not mean he no longer would enjoy the feeling and comfort. So use this time wisely, and no doubt, pleasing a man sexually and doing the act (and more) while he has no energy will make him feel like a king. Never underestimate what a simple stroke, a gentle rub, or a soft kiss can do. A soft stroke on his genitals does wonders in any scenario.
Showing him you also enjoyed the act increases his love for you, and showing him you did not enjoy the act (by the various ways explain above) causes him stress, anger and dissatisfaction. Indeed it is a way of planting a seed of hatred in his heart for you. And indeed, this will also cause him to avoid being intimate with his wife, something which will cause her and him harm in the long run.
Do Not Make Him Commit The Haraam: Some wives complain (and rightfully so) that their husbands watch pornographic movies or visit pornographic websites. This is haram and the husband needs to fear Allaah with regards to his actions. Yet with every sin, we try to look at the root cause of it. Porn is a multi-billion industry and is increasing every year. Porn offers men satisfaction of sexual desires with no stress, nagging or ‘delay’. Through porn a man has a quick satisfaction of desires without any hassle. Likewise, with women in clubs and women who sell their bodies on the streets, its a quick satisfaction of desires, where the man does not have to go through any headache or hassle of a woman who ‘nags’ or complains. It is “stress-free sex”.
My sisters, please do not make intimacy so stressful such that you literally force him to go to the haram. Your husband does not want that and nor do you. But if you complain how its to regular, if you’re slow to respond to him, do not dress up for him, or make a hassle of the act, then you are indirectly telling him to go to the haram. Due to the actions of some wives, men end up getting a lot of stress out of, what should be, a pleasurable act. When a man wishes to be intimate, he wants nothing more than a fun pleasurable time with his wife. Even asking the wife to dress up more beautiful, or advising her on how (or how not) to do the act, can be stressful, as every woman should know how to bring her husband pleasure.
And when a simple act of intimacy ends up disastrous, the satisfaction the man was looking for is no longer met, and when a man is not sexually satisfied with his wife, its very hard to stay within halal boundaries. Yes the man needs to fear Allaah and not commit the haram, but the wife also shoulders some responsibility if she is the root cause which pushes him to the haram. So give him what he wants, and more, and know what things cause a man to get stressed during intimacy, so even the thought of going to the haram does not cross his mind. Pornography offers a man stress-free sex, so don’t push him to the haraam.
Importance Of Being Intimate With Him: A man dodges all the fitnah of women when he’s out the house. As soon as he goes work, he’s bombarded with ‘beautiful’ women everywhere; from the woman on the huge billboards on the motorway, to the lady who walked in front of him on the zebra crossing, to the young receptionist at work, to all the women who pop up on his screen via adverts when he’s online, not to mention the huge banners on shop windows displaying half naked topless women! Women are everywhere. He dodges all this, and then finally comes home desiring his wife. So when he comes home, don’t jump on him with all the nagging as soon as he enters the door. Instead, dress up, don’t be shy to wear anything sexy, wear what he likes to see you wearing, maybe stand a particular way as he walks towards you and let him feel at ease. Don’t blame him for being so eager for intimacy all the time. Its the culture we live in, a man cannot do anything or go anywhere without having beautiful women surround him. Brothers always complain how their wives don’t understand their ‘needs’. The main reason why many brothers go polygamous is because of this^, their wives either do not understand the man’s need for sexual relations, or they are slow in responding. It is only an intelligent woman realises her husband’s needs.
During Menstruation: During menstruation a man is permitted to enjoy his wife’s body without insertion. The wives of the Prophet report how they used to come to him while only covering what is between the navel and the knee. When was the last time you did this for your husband? When a man calls his wife to bed, she must respond to the call, and if she is menstruating the respond of the call stays obligatory. Just because you are menstruating it does not mean you are not obliged to respond to his call. the only obligation which is dropped is allowing him to enter inside of you.
During menstruation, a man may call his wife, and in such scenarios, a woman can help the man to ejaculate in various other ways (besides intimacy). Just because you are menstruating, do not take the matter of responding in a hurry lightly. It is perfectly halal for the wife to use her hand to help the man ejaculate. Do not show signs of dissatisfaction of the ‘mess’ after ejaculation. Indeed a wise woman would just keep a few tissues nearby which she will use to wipe away any mess. But do not do this as soon as the man ejaculates, e.g., turning your back to him while reaching for the tissues, or going across the room to get the tissues. Either its in your pocket, under you pillow, or a near place, in which case proceed, or leave it for a while.
As explained above, just because the man has ejaculated it does not mean he has finished his desire. When a man ejaculates and looses energy, use this time to pamper him more. He may turn quite due to an energy loss, but proceed in giving him pleasure, and no doubt you will earn so much love from him!
Is He Obliged To Respond To Your Call?: If you desire your husband for intimacy, the best way is by a physical touch; a kiss, a hug, a stroke, or an “accidental” exposure of flesh. Know your powers, an use them to get what you want. Every man melts at the sight of his wife dressed up desiring his intimacy. You can use this to get what you want from him. Instead of “Oi, take me to ….”, ask him politely, sit beside him, or on his lap, a gentle stroke on his arm, a soft kiss, and then asking him will have a huge impact on his decision. Men are weak, and only intelligent women know the real nature of this. Every man who has avoided women, who lowers his gaze, will naturally melt at even the slightest show put on by his wife. The shy look, the gentle stroke, the soft speech; all of this, if used effectively can melt your husband. A man is sexually aroused by what he sees in front of him, hence why Islaam obliges a woman to cover up, and hence why a man is obliged to lower his gaze. So although the Angels do not curse him for not responding to your call for intimacy, an intelligent woman knows how to bring her husband down on his knees!
Another thing which women need to understand is that a man will respond differently to intimacy depending on how the act is initiated and how it is carried out. Men, as said above, get excited by what they see. However if his eyes see the same thing again and again, it may be less effective in triggering his desires. A strawberry cake is delicious, but having a strawberry cake everyday desensitizes the taste buds and gets boring.
So even though a particular dress, or words worked perfectly in triggering your husband’s desires, do not use such techniques everyday, as with time, the effectiveness will fade away. So save such techniques and use them once in a while but do not have the duration between them so long that your husband desires it yet you fail to give it to him. If pink worked perfectly yesterday, save pink for next week, and always change. Purchase clothing which you have not purchased before, haya (shyness) is a perfect characteristic to have with non-mahrams, but having too much shyness even with one’s husband is not a good trait.
As said above, every man loves a woman who has a pinch of naughtiness in her, though not too much as this may lead shaytaan to whisper ill thoughts in him about you. So do not be shy in purchasing new glamorous clothing. If you desire intimacy with him before going to sleep, change in front of him, purchase sexier lingerie/nightwear, have two or three different pairs and ask him what he would like you to wear while undressing. While laying next to him, a gentle stroke on his circumcised organ can get him excited. There is nothing wrong with a woman ‘playing’ with her husband’s circumcised organ. The continuous strokes excite the man, and it is practically impossible for the man to refuse when he feels excitement and wants ‘more’.
There are many techniques which a woman can use to seduce her husband, and they all boil down to knowing a simple fact: men get excited by what they see and the use of physical contact (hugs, kisses, strokes etc.). Know this rule and you will be able to come up with many techniques.
In Conclusion: A man needs to be intimate to release the stress he has within him. Some women, however, unknowingly cause him more stress than he originally had. From among the ways which they do this are, delaying responding to his call, talking about things other than intimacy while the act, acting as if its just a chore from the other chores in your life, not showing him you enjoy it, rushing back to your chores straight after he ejaculates and finishes.
So instead try to do all the things which will make this an even more pleasurable act, such as, going to him as soon as he calls you without delay, speaking of how much you enjoy it with him, talking about it before and after the act, maybe even being specific about certain things which you loved, trying to get another round out of him after he ejaculates, and importantly, dressing and adorning yourself in a way that pleases his eyes. Indeed it is a beautiful characteristic for a woman to always be prepared for her husband every night.
Lastly, I say that if a man has an enjoyable sex life then he tends to overlook all the errors and mistakes his wife may make in other areas of their life, overlooking them with a smile on his face. Yet, if his sex life is a cause of stress, then no doubt he will start to see every negative trait in you, and magnify them to such a large scale.
(1) The Prophet (saw) said, “If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses, and he becomes angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.” [Bukhari / Muslim / Aboo Daawood / Ahmad] In another narration: “… until he is pleased with her.“ In yet a third narration: “… until he forgives her.” And in a fourth narration: “… until she goes back.” [Bukhaaree]