Behind Every Successful Man Is A Mother

Shaykh ‘Abdullaah ‘Azzaam said:

“Mothers play a great role in building a generation. The better a mother is at raising her children, the more successfully the Ummah is built and the more successful it is at producing heroes. You hardly ever see a great man except that a great woman is behind him who left some of her traits in his personality by way of the milk from which he was fed and the warm embrace in which he sought refuge.

Most men find it hard to remove these shining images from their minds that they retain of their mothers. These outstanding images that ran through his veins from a young age remain engraved in his mind, and he cannot help but to remember them with veneration and pride. He recalls the simple, clear words that his mother left his spirit with, and these words grow to become milestones in his path and guiding lights on his quest.

He cannot help but to place himself under the vast shade that his mother provided for him throughout the long course of his life, nurtured by the pleasant emotions and mixed with the eternal days of his life. These realities grow in his spirit and become an inseparable part of his personality that he cannot let go of without letting go of his humanity.”

[Majallat Al-Jihaad #36]

The Marriage Of A Noble Qurayshi Woman To A Slave

‘Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab (ra) encouraged the people to perform marriages with different tribes, so that love would develop amongst the people. Therefore, a slave went to a man from the Quraysh and asked him to marry his sister to him, which the latter refused.

‘Umar went to that man and asked him, “Why did you not marry your sister to him? He is a talented and pious individual. You should seek the opinion of your sister; if she accepts the proposal then you should marry her to him.“

The man from the Quraysh accepted the advice of ‘Umar and went to his sister to ask her opinion. She agreed to the marriage and the married his sister to the slave.

[Al-Murtadaa, by An-Nadawee, p. 106]

Blessed Mothers

Umm Salamah:

During the battle of the Camel, the Mother of the Believers Umm Salamah (ra) sent her son ‘Umar Ibn Abi Salamah to ‘Ali with the message: “By Allaah, he is dearer to me than my own self; he will go out with you to fight alongside you.” He went out with ‘Ali (ra) and remained with him. [Ansaab Al-Ashraf, 4/224]

Mu’aathah, the wife of Silah:

Silah Ibn Aktam told his son: “O my son, go ahead and fight!” His son went ahead and was killed. Later on Silah himself was killed. When Mu’aathah the wife of Silah received the news of the death of both her husband and son, she told the woman who came to give their condolences: “If you are coming to congratulate me then welcome. If you are here to give me condolences then you must leave!” [Siyar A’laam An-Nubula, quoting from “Mashari Al-Ashwaq Ilaa Masari Al-Ushaaq” by Ibn Nuhaas]

Al-Khansa’ Bint ‘Amr:

The Battle Of Qaadisiyyah (14H) which occurred during ‘Umar Ibn Al-Khattaabs reign lasted for four days. On the second day of the battle, Al-Khansa’ Bint ‘Amr urged her sons to fight. In the Muslim women’s camp in Al-‘Udayb, Al-Khansa’ Bint ‘Amr – the poetess of Banoo Sulaym whose career straddled the jaahiliyah and Islaam – sat with her four grown sons, urging them to fight. She said, “You became muslim willingly and migrated by choice. You know what Allaah has promised of great reward to the Muslims who fight the kaafirs, and you know that the realm which abides is better than the realm which will pass away. Allaah says, ‘O you who believe! Endure and be more patient [than your enemy], and guard your territory [by stationing army units permanently at the places from where the enemy can attack you], and fear Allaah so that you may be successful.‘ [3:200] If you wake up safe and sound tomorrow, inshaaAllah, then go and fight your enemy, seeking Allaah’s support against His enemies. When you the fighting grow tense, then go forth. If you do that, you will gain booty and honour in the Hereafter.”

Umm Haarithah:

Haarithah was killed during the battle of Badr by a stray arrow. Anas narrated that the mother of Harithaah came to the Messenger of Allaah and asked him, “O Messenger of Allaah, won’t you tell me about my son Haarithah? If he is in Paradise I would be patient. If he is not I would cry for him.” The Messenger of Allaah said, “Have you lost your mind?! It is not one Paradise but many, and your son is in the highest one: Al-Firdous!” [Bukhaaree]

How Az-Zubayr Used To Name His Children

Due to Az-Zubayr’s deep love of martyrdom, he named his sons after martyred Companions.

Hishaam Ibn ‘Urwah narrated that his father said that Az-Zubayr said:

“Talhah named his sons after Prophets when he learned that there would be no Prophet after Muhammad (saw). But I named my children after martyrs, in the hope that they will attain martyrdom:

Abdullah after Abdullah Ibn Jahsh, Al-Mundhir after Al-Mundhir Ibn ‘Amr, ‘Urwah after ‘Urwah Ibn Mas’ood, Hamzah after Hamzah, Ja’far after Ja’far Ibn Abee Taalib, Mus’ab after Mus’ab Ibn ‘Umayr, ‘Ubaydah after ‘Ubaydah ibn al-Haarith, Khaalid after Khaalid Ibn Sa’eed and ‘Amr after ‘Amr Ibn Sa’eed Ibn Al-‘Aas, who was killed at Yarmook.“

[At-Tabaqaat, 3/101]

Do Not Use Quraan And Hadeeth To Establish Your Authority

It is very common for Muslim men to pointedly remind their wives about the Quraanic verses and hadeeths that declare their superiority and special rights over her, especially in the first few days after marriage. The most common reminders are (1) that the husband has the right to take up to our wives without his wife’s consent; (2) if prostration were permissible to anyone other than Allaah (swt), the Muslim woman would have been commanded to prostrate to her husband; (3) the husband has the exclusive right to verbally issue a divorce; and (4) he can call her for sexual intimacy at any inopportune time, or restrain her movement outside the house, or even stop her from visiting her close relatives.

The new bride might be callously reminded of these facets of her husband’s superiority the minute she admits to missing her family or asks for a visit to her parent’s home…

What impact doe this action – of reminding your wife of your superior rights or ruthlessly exercising them to proactively establish unilateral control – have on the innocent and well meaning Muslim girl who has come to your house? What will she think of you if you say and do such things to her?

In addition, what does such a behaviour on your part imply about you as a person? Definitely that you, as a man, are insecure, and that you are using your Islaamic rights in a feeble attempt to establish authority over her.

A man who is self-confident and righteous will never use this inappropriate method to try to control and dominate his wife. He is not insecure as her husband and does not think that the only way to ‘have her all to him’ is to trap her in his house, making her serve him all day like a personal valet.

Therefore a good Muslim husband should never remind his wife of his higher status, unless she persistently disobeys him or does actions that r forbidden by Allaah (swt). The bes way to make her obey is to let her have everything she wants – everything allowed by Islaam that is – and to focus on giving her, her rights, over and above what she deserves. She will then automatically become the devoted faithful and obedient wife that you want her to be.

[Traversing The Highs And Lows Of Muslim Marriage, by Sadaf Farooqi, Pp. 69-70]

Advice On Raising Children

The school, the street, your neighbours, or maid should not play the largest role in raising your children. Rather you are specifically responsible for his task. The Prophet (saw) said:

“A woman is a guardian of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for them.” [Bukhaaree]

Perhaps while you are cultivating your children, instilling within them guidance and moral standards, another person may come along and destroy that which you have worked hard to build. So do not allow others to raise and watch over your children; they may see from others that which disrupts the moral values that you have instilled.

Along with this, your home has certain standards and techniques in child rearing, which may differ from the techniques of you relatives. So observe your children an hour after mixing with their cousins. Do not neglect the importance of correcting misunderstandings, which they may have picked up while with other children; and encourage them to embrace the proper outlook.

[Taken from “20 Pieces Of Advice To My Sister Before Her Marriage”, pp.56-57]

Greeting Your Husband Upon Entering Home

Oh sister, know that you will neither obtain lofty mannerisms nor a healthy marital life until you greet your husband like the greeting of the most gracious of hostesses to their guests. Be keen in rushing to welcome your husband upon entering the home with a warm embrace [as this shows you were looking forward to see him and hence makes him feel loved].

Kiss him with love and respect, a kiss of affection and enthusiastic desire. For this will cause him to have a strong bond with you, and in turn he will come to recognize your rights over him.

[Taken from “20 Pieces Of Advice To My Sister Before Her Marriage”, pp. 40-41]

Shaykh ‘Abdullaah ‘Azzaam’s Advice To Mothers

Shaykh ‘Abdullaah ‘Azzaam said:

“Bring up your children to be brave and courageous. Let your houses be places for lions, not chicken farms in which your sons will be fed then slaughtered by tyrants like sheep.

Instil in the hearts of your sons the love for Jihaad and the love of battlefields. Share the problems of the Muslim Ummah. Live one day a week like refugees and Mujaahideen live. They live on dry bread and tea.”

 

The Importance of Foreplay, By Ibn Qudaamah

Many husbands do not understand the importance of foreplay and tend to be intimate with their wives without fulfiling their wives’ desires to the full. This can cause much harm to the wife, and as a knock on effect, to the marriage as well.

Ibn Qudaamah said:

“It is recommended for the man to caress and fondle his wife prior to intercourse in order to arouse her so that she would get as much pleasure from intercourse as he does…

And if he climaxes before her, it would be disliked for him to pull out until she climaxes… because that would otherwise cause her harm and prevent her from fulfilling her desires.”

[Al-Mughnee, 8/136]

Advice For Sisters Regarding Intimacy

“Never underestimate what a simple stroke, a gentle rub, or a soft kiss can do.”

Introduction: Biologically, men and women are both created with a need to fulfil their sexual desires, but one needs to understand that there is a difference in the need for men and women.

In all wisdom, Allah created men with an urge much stronger than women. Men are very visual by nature. Depending on where he lives, a man may build a physiological need for sex, about every 72 hours on average and longer for men who live further away from fitnah. Unfortunately, in the world we live in today, we are constantly surrounded by temptation – there is not a day that goes by that you do not stumble upon something of a sexual nature which makes men vulnerable to the calling of women.

When a man constantly feels a strong need for release, it is very hard for him to focus on the other very important aspects of intimacy like sweet words and foreplay, which are needed for a woman to feel sexually desirable.

Men are not to be blamed for their being very sexual by nature. It is just how Allah, in pure wisdom, created them.

A look, a touch, a feminine figure, words can all cause a man to feel a strong urge to release himself. And just like women, a man wants to feel desired. If you show him that you do not enjoy it, he starts to think you don’t love him and this causes him a great deal of stress. Intimacy is an act that releases a lot of stress from the man. When a man is stressed out, the best way for him to feel relaxed and forget all that which is on his mind, is for him to be intimate.

Delaying coming to him may anger him and can turn a pleasurable act to be a very stressful experience. During intimacy a man is at his peak of excitement, any sign of lack of enjoyment by the wife can be very dissatisfying and can cause anger within the husband. This dissatisfaction and anger, however, can reach heights as it is anger which manifests itself at a time when one is trying his hardest to enjoy a pleasurable act. So a smart wife realises this and avoids all the things which turns pleasure into distress.

I have split the causes of anger into three phases; before intimacy, during intimacy and after intimacy.

Before Intimacy: The narrations below are a clear sign that a woman is obliged to respond to the man’s call for intimacy without slackness. And there is much wisdom in this. The Messenger of Allaah (saw) said: “When a man calls his wife to him, then let her respond, even if she is at the oven (baking bread).“ [Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi]

Delaying in responding to his call can cause the man stress. As stated above, being intimate is a means of expressing love and desire. Its a way of saying “I love you.” If the wife delays in responding, she is indirectly showing him that he is not so important and this also shows a lack of concern for his feelings. A man loves to give his wife pleasure through intimacy, and delaying coming to him is an indirect way of telling him he is not good at being intimate. At times he may not be so good at it, but delaying intimacy with him is not a solution to your problem. As a matter of fact, it makes it worse. Insulting a man about his ability to sexually satisfy his wife is from the biggest insults to his manhood.

Advice For Brothers Regarding Intimacy

“Women also have desires, emotional and physical. It is not immoral of her to ask for intimacy, it is only her innate nature.”

Introduction: Realize that women also have sexual desires. Although their main desire is emotional, they also have that sexual urge. Don’t ignore this as it could cause her harm. She is not immoral if she asks you for intimacy. Nor is she immoral if its continuous, it just means she has a strong urge for it, and this is the way she is. One of the purposes of marriage is to save ourselves from fitnah. And if you are not responding to her call, then this could cause her major problems. Indeed it could be that by you continuously refusing her call, not only would you damage her, but you could cause her to think of doing the haraam.  So, due to the “boil up” of desire within her, she could start to think about haraam acts. If she has this huge build up of desire which has no halaal avenue, then, when a good looking guy walks past her on the streets or elsewhere, she may start to think of haraam things. And indeed the Shaytaan will use her sexual frustration and exploit it in any possible way. O husbands, realise that by you continuously refusing her call, you could damage her chastity. How sad that she dies of thirst while water was available to her! Just because the Angels do not curse you for not responding to her call to bed, it does not mean you can take the matter lightly. If you want her to respond to your call, then lead by example and respond to her call.

Also, If you expect her to give up what she is doing and come to you for intimacy, then know that her mind will not be on the act, and her sole intention is just to quickly get the act over and done with and then rush back to her chores, which will now take even longer due to her having to do ghusl. And this may cause stress to her, and you! So instead of this downhill slope which has many negative knock-on effects, take into consideration that she may be busy or not in the mood for intimacy.

I will give advice about intimacy in three phases; before intimacy, during intimacy and after intimacy.

Before Intimacy: Know that it is from good manners to dress up for your wife. Ibn Abbaas said: “I love to beautify myself for the wife in the same way that I love for her to beautify herself for me because Allaah said, ‘And they have rights similar to those over them according to what is reasonable.’ [2:228].” [Tafseer Ibn Katheer]

It is a shame how some brothers desire their wives to be in perfect shape and to always look good yet show no concern to their wife’s physical desires. If your wife sees that you are taking care to look after yourself and look appealing to her, then this will naturally make her do the same. Is it logical that you wish your wife to be slim and in shape while you are out of shape and unhealthy?